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Hi there. Thanks for stopping by. If you are new here then let me introduce you to Peggy and Steve. You’ve now met the two most important dogs I know. Today is about Steve. Let’s all take a deep breath and direct our focus on a dog for a moment. But first, an arresting puppy photo.
As dogs go, Peggy is very quiet. When her hackles are up she’s got a bark that is, honestly, quite intimidating. But she only really uses it when she can smell the FedEx uniform on the other side of the door. She steels herself for what, in her mind, can only be a siege and lets it rip. In her mind she has a very high success rate of stopping unwanted intruders. But mostly it is hard to get her to make noises other than a light snore. She does most of her talking with her eyes, which my Mom always remarks “are so human.”
This, I assumed, was how most all dogs operated: occasional barks, snores, and burps. Enter Steve.
Steve is an expressive dog. Unlike Peggy, he wears a stoic, almost morose expression. But Steve talks. Here is a taxonomy of Steve noises.
The Whine: In the morning, Steve lets out a pathetic whimper roughly 90 seconds after one of our alarms goes off. It’s a gentle, puppy whine perfectly honed by nature over centuries of evolution to get us out of bed to unzip his crate so that he can march around clumsily on the bed and hit me in the groin with his paws until we provided sustenance.
The Call to Action: This is the signature Steve Noise™. It begins whenever I come downstairs from working between the hours of 3:00 and 5:00pm. Steve, tired of nonstop napping, jolts awake at the sound of movement. A walk or a throw is imminent. From the top of the stairs I see him. We lock eyes. He extends his front paws forward in a most dramatic fashion and leans into a deep stretch (yoga folk will identify this as downward dog). As he begins the motion his his mouth opens wide and a deep bellow begins. It sounds like a car engine revving in the distance (if car engines could sound eager and concerned). I won’t do it justice here but phonetically it goes a bit like, “RUR-RUR-uGhhhuhhhhhhghnnngh.” He stands proud, never breaking eye contact, and waits for me to descend the stairs.
The Desperate Measure: This is a variation of The Call to Action. It is deployed when I have come downstairs and have shown all the tell-tale signs of commencing the walk/throw but am not moving at the desired speed. Perhaps, I am derailed by a conversation or glance at my phone. Steve begins the call to action once again (stretch included) but adds in a confused yawn at the very end. The effect is a deep guttural sound that slides up two to three octaves in a matter of seconds and ends with his head tilted to the side quizzically.
The Hungry Boy: Similar to the call to action but it involves marching daintily over to his food bowl and laying down, a maneuver that he believes guarantees food delivery regardless of the hour (here, he is mistaken).
Good Night Sweet Prince: This is the best Steve Noise™. It occurs when he is content. His needs satisfied, Steve will hop up onto a couch or his bed or, really, any cushioned surface. As he lowers himself to rest, he lets out a soft groan that sounds like a grandfather touching down on a La-Z-Boy recliner. It is a soulful grunt. It is the sonic equivalent of the phrase, “take a load off.” Hearing it over headphones, detached from the body of a 37 pound dog, you might imagine the owner of the voice just put a full day in working with their hands.
Good Night Sweet Prince Part 2: Once asleep, Steve will replicate this glorious groan as he cuddles you. Even if asleep, if you place your hand on his side and give it a pat, he emits a soft grumble. It is life affirming.
The Fighter: I distinctly remember watching some old Looney Toons shorts growing up where junkyard cats would get in a fight and mash into each other in some frenzy that resembled those animations of atoms whizzing around. They’d make this wild aria of meowing and snarling. This is approximately the noise Steve makes while fighting Peggy, only down an octave or so. If I had to categorize the noise it would be: Angry Quizzical. He shows a lot of gums in the process and looks like a doofus.
Anyhow, that’s Steve and his vocalizing.
Your Faithful Correspondent,
Charlie
Let's get some audio accompaniments here!!
We have two catahoulas, Woody and Sunny. They’re retired cattle ranch dogs. We call Woody, “Wordy” because he is so talkative! He has a whole vocabulary of loans, grunts, squeaks, and he even sings along with any passing siren or if he hears harmonica in a song.